my tender head, my easy heart

You can build a universe inside a record.

Songs can be places for memories that are too heavy on your mind. I can try to forget the smell of your skin, the color of your eyes, the ease my body felt as it collided with yours. I can pretend like it doesn’t hurt anymore. At the end of all days, I have placed us within these soundscape and there we’ll stay.

Bon Iver – “Flume"
I woke up to the same song as the playlist cycled through every hour or so. We were not holding each other. I watched you sleeping before you pulled the covers over your face and turned towards the wall. I don’t know what this means. It doesn’t mean anything. I’m in love with someone else and you are so very young. We made each other laugh and moan and went on to lead our lives. And you will know where to find me if your desire shows up with my name written all over it.


The Mountain Goats – “Moon Over Goldsboro”
We were fighting in the car. We were always fighting and it was always my fault. I was quick-tempered and sensitive but it was because of your stoicism and your complete lack of engagement. This song was us: it was long walks and questions unanswered and passion without follow through. I tried to get you to hold me but you just let me lean on you and cry. I got more sympathy from strangers than you, my partner of three years.


Death Cab for Cutie – “Bend to Squares”
You drove down to meet me and you kissed me. This is to say you started it. You asked me to dance to this song, but you didn’t stay with me that night. In a way I loved you more than anyone and I’ll tell you why: you wanted me without pretense without proper etiquette. And I guess I owed you the same so when you couldn’t make love to me in that ridiculous hotel room, I tried to take it in stride. And when you told me nothing was going to come of all of it, I replaced you with someone else while you writhed with jealousy. Why do you men always want it both ways? We don’t speak now. You said, “I’m still trying to get your goat so I guess I’m not quite a Sheppard yet.” And I’m pretty sure I told you to go fuck yourself. But you showed me I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I wish that lesson would have stuck with me.


Okkervil River – “A Girl In Port”
If you ever want to see where this can go, show me the way to your door and I will arrive at it promptly.

don't think twice, it's all right.

I had a dream about Bob Dylan.

I had a dream in which Bob Dylan told me everything’s all right, everything’s beautiful, baby. As long as I’m in love with the person I wake up inside every morning, I’ll have no problem finding the person who wants to wake up next to me for the rest of my life. Until then I should enjoy the ride.

And the writing? I have to seduce the plot line, labor over the details with persistence and affection and listen, above all, listen. The stories want to speak to me. The characters want me to know them.

I should relax and believe.

And I wouldn’t let him talk to me about Jesus but maybe next time.

hello.

This is my new home. Excuse me while I make myself comfortable.